Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Dimon's Congressional Testimony

A high-ranking finance professional
Who was called to a hearing Congressional
To give his account
Of a massive amount
That was lost, made a searing confessional:

"My Office of Risk Diminution
Found a newfangled hedging solution,
Which no one construed
Nor checked, nor reviewed,
Nor subjected to sound execution."

"But in spite of my solemn admission
(Which I make with humblest contrition)
That we bungled our bets -
We are hiring vets
And expanding our lending position."

"So before you propose regulation
To limit our trade fluctuation,
No federal commission
Could outmatch our mission
To aid the American nation."

J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon has been called to testify before the U.S. Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs, to answer for the infamous and still-growing loss from derivative positions in the bank's Chief Investment Office. For those of you too busy to review the full text of the CEO's prepared testimony, I humbly offer the foregoing summary in verse. The rest of you may draw some insightfully ironic enjoyment from Mr. Dimon's deft attempt to deflect criticism of the bank's errors and omissions, and to convince the Senators that the bank is its own best overseer.


  1. Nice verse. I would have used "Nor checked..." and "Nor subjected...". Sounds more poetic.

    I am confounded though, by why this is a federal issue at all. Were taxpayers' funds lost? No. Is the bank still profitable? Yes. The hearings, like all Congressional hearings I suppose, seem only a venue for political grandstanding.

  2. Anytime there is an unexplained, billion-dollar loss in a federally insured institution, it is at least theoretically a federal issue. That said, I predict that today's session takes Congressional grandstanding to new heights of absurdity.

    Thanks for the poetic suggestion, which I have incorporated.


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